Feedback to Writers – Gracie Ouellette's Site

Short Story #1

Skyler Garcia – Atlas

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a woman who was sent to space with others in a desperate attempt to save the Earth due to its deterioration from unprecedented sun flares. All of the other people have since died, but she is holding on. She is slowly losing her mind, which is represented by a character named Percy, a figment of her imagination and her mind’s attempt to keep her sane. In the end, she realizes the fight is over and that Percy is not real, and that the fight has been over for a long time. She cannot save Earth, so she submits to her inevitable death.

What do you like about it?

P.4: “Still no communication from Earth, but it’s still there, of course. But not everything is”
- That last sentence is powerful for your story. I don’t want to stop scrolling!
End of P.8 into P.9: You did a really good job of capturing the narrator’s deteriorating mental state. The ending is powerful.
- This story seems like a testimony to the limits of the human mind in extreme circumstances. Not only its limits, but its resilience.

What questions does it raise?

Was Percy ever even real? Did he die? I love having to mull over these questions.
- P.10: No, he wasn’t real. You make me question if anything is! (In the best way)
Is this also about climate change? (Because of the sun flares)

What suggestions do you have?

I think the story might actually start with “There has to be water around here somewhere” in the introductory paragraph, that is when I felt really pulled to know what happens next.

Kenzie Kimball – Short Story #1

What is it/what is it about?

This is a story of a person named Q who falls into a hole while she is exploring a cave. She meets an individual who is bright and bubbly, named Sunny. Sunny shows Q their hideout, and Q learns their first glimpse of peace in the comfort of this cave, after at first being tentative of Sunny. The two eventually find many similarities, and end up finding out that they are not as alone as they both thought. Sunny teaches Q to open up, and we can see that this friendship will likely continue to blossom long after the ending of the story.

What do you like about it?

I like your introduction paragraph, it pulls the reader in nicely.
P.6, End of ¶1: “The sweet smell of damp rock permeated through the shelter and into my lungs as I just sat in the first true silence of my brain in 16 years.”
- I love this line!
End of P.6 into P.7: You really captured the intrusiveness of thoughts and the briefness of serenity in an anxious mind with the quick transition from quietness of the mind to the resuming of the flow of thought – I love that.

What questions does it raise?

Were the amount of coincidences throughout the story attributed to the lyrical side of this story, being that they seem to be connected on another level in that they are meant to know each other in this life?

What suggestions do you have?

P. 2, ¶2: While this is interesting, it’s unlikely that a person the same age as the main character would also have fallen into the cave. I’m looking forward to seeing where it’s going, but unsure at the same time.
P.2, ¶2: The dialogue is interesting, but I think that it needs to be separated into another paragraph whenever a new character speaks.

Lizzie B – Short Story Step 3

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a mermaid named Stephan who believes that his kind descended from humans, but only just now found solid evidence to prove it through drawings on rock. Stephan feels bad for the humans, and is drawn and determined to finding out what happened to them and proving to the other mermaids that they did in fact evolve from humans.

What do you like about it?

P.3, ¶1: I like how you make the characters view humanity from an outside perspective, since your characters are not human and seem to be the aftermath of humanity.
P.7, ¶2: “Knowledge that was just out of reach for anyone with a tail”
- This is a powerful line. I think of the many limitations we face when researching the animals in the sea. It is an extremely interesting concept to think about somebody researching us, yet not having the means to do so.
- I really like this story. I was hooked the whole time, and curious as to why this character was so interested in humans. I was also curious about what happened to the humans.

What questions does it raise?

Is this a sentiment towards climate change and its potential consequences?
What is Stephan’s job title?

What suggestions do you have?

One note is that this currently feels like an introduction to a novel. I’m wondering what the end goal of this short story is and if you have enough time to achieve it.

Brady Spring – Date Night

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a demigod with emotionally connected abilities, going on a date with his co-Caravan leader, Isaac.
Oliver is extremely nervous about this date due to his many responsibilities as one of the Caravan leaders, and his powers reflect his nervousness throughout the story.
Isaac seems less nervous than Oliver. He seems to be the only one that can truly calm Oliver down, too.
This seems like a story about relationship tension.

What do you like about it?

I really enjoy how Oliver’s emotions are reflected by his powers and the world you’ve constructed for your characters.

What questions does it raise?

What powers does Isaac have?
We know a little about the demigods, but we do not know how Isaac and Oliver met, their history, etc.
What is the resolve of the story/where do you plan on taking it?

What suggestions do you have?

I think that spending a little more time explaining the history of the demigods in the introduction and how they got there would be helpful. Right now it feels a little rushed. It may also be helpful to explain Oliver and Isaac’s history as a couple, rather than just their relationship as co-Caravan leaders.
- You might also slow down the description by breaking up your paragraphs with more periods. Right now, there is a lot of comma splicing that may trip up the reader.
I think your piece so far does a really good job at conveying its literal meaning, but I think that you could add more to it to also give it that lyrical component; What is the message behind this story, what are you trying to convey to the reader without explicitly saying it?

Sophie Pidgeon – Gravity is Greedy

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about the narrator standing on a bridge where her friends are jumping off, but she is battling with her anxiety to do so. It is the end of her summer before they all go to college. Even further, she is battling with the idea of control and letting go of her worries and fears her mind ponders throughout the piece. This is reflected on P.5, when she says “Now, it is my turn to live a little.”

What do you like about it?

I love your introduction, it pulls the reader in really well.
You are VERY good at descriptive imagery.
- One example that I really love is when you say “The question is a blender, jumbling my mind like fruit hitting a spinning blade as I try to make sense of my own emotions” in the second to last ¶ of P.2. This is an amazing line!
The last paragraph on P.4 is really powerful and shows us the roots of the narrator’s stream of uncertain and extensive stream of thought. I definitely relate to her here!
I love how you chose jumping off the bridge as the conflict that your character faces, it really builds tension in the piece. I was scared, too!
The ending will probably have me thinking about it for a few days in the best way.
- No resolve = Lasting impact on reader.

What questions does it raise?

Does she befriend gravity in the end? Why is gravity greedy? Does this represent her anxieties and worries in general?
What has changed that makes our narrator suddenly want to change her ways? Is it the transition to college? What prompted this change?

What suggestions do you have/what does this piece connect to?

In the second paragraph of the piece, our narrator describes her current relationship with gravity as her enemy and gives an example of how it has done her wrong. I don’t know if you’re trying to use gravity lyrically, as it represents her anxieties in general since she’s going to college. If that is the case, maybe you could tie it into that anticipatory fear and rumination that gravity has caused her. I’m reaching far with this, but it’s just something to think about!

Jenna Sabia – Short Story 1

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a guy and a girl that are best friends. The guy gets into a roll-over car accident and seems to come out unscathed, but shows symptoms of flashbacks and trauma when he is alone. The girl is a worrier – she listens and needs to make sure everyone is okay, especially him. Thus, it is a battle, with the guy needing to make sure that she is okay by not telling her what is wrong with him, and the girl trying to make sure he is okay but never truly knowing, even if she might think she does.

What do you like about it?

I love the call-and-response nature of this story, with the guy and the girl being unaware of each other yet still responding to one another’s narrations. My story does the same thing, actually! With a very similar concept. I can’t wait for you to read it now!
The ending, “I’ll never be ready to tell her” (P.8) is really interesting. Tell her what? Tell her whaaaat!

What questions does it raise?

Is there a reason that the characters don’t have specific names? If so, what was your intention with this?
Is the guy suffering from trauma, and is that what he’s hiding from her?
How did these two meet?

What suggestions do you have/what does this piece connect to?

I think that you might have room to give a little more background on how these two know each other and their viewpoints on another a little bit more. The context might be helpful for the story since they seem to care about each other A LOT.
I think that the moment where she sees him could be less brief, with more descriptions of how they both felt in that moment. It could make your last line more powerful if she didn’t go inside to greet people and the interaction was more personal and intense between them. Just an idea!

Mackie Harvey – Short Story Final

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a girl named Florence, who has feelings for a guy named Lincoln. However, Lincoln is currently in a relationship with a girl named Angela, who he has been with for three years now. He has been drifting apart from her and has caught feelings for Florence, and is now breaking up with Angela because of this. However, he’s not ready to commit to Florence yet, even though she’s been ready for a long time. Very much a right person, wrong time type of story, that ends with it finally being the right time.

What do you like about it?

EVERYTHING! But more specifically…
I love how you build tension throughout the story and that it ends with the resolve we were all waiting for.
- Your last line is especially great, because it is very familiar and relatable and releases the tension we all felt throughout the story.

What questions does it raise?

Why did Angela warn Flo if she is currently dating Link? Was it more of a threat?
Are Angela and Flo friends?
How long had Florence waited like this for Link?

What suggestions do you have?

I think that you could give these two a little more background, if you saw fit. How they met and how long this has been going on, things like that. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but I think that knowing how long Flo has been waiting for Link could build the tension you create even further.

Bridget McIntyre – Short Story 1

What is it/what is it about?

This is a tragic love story of the Sun and the Moon. The two are in love with each other, but cannot be together for obvious reasons. So, Moon devises a plan with Ocean in which both Moon and Sun turn into human forms of themselves and meet each other on Earth. When they find each other, it is a joyous moment, but a brief one. Sun tells Moon that they cannot stay on Earth, but must return to the Sky to fulfill their responsibilities. They visit the place they met when their duties are over, but can never see each other at the same time.

What do you like about it?

This whole piece is so lyrical and it’s beautifully written!
I love how the characters symbolized the Sun and the Moon perfectly in their human form.
The ending is great.

What questions does it raise?

I may have missed this, but where is Moon when she turns into a human? I know you talk about the woods, but does this mean she has fallen to Earth? I think this becomes clear later in the story when they meet Hamish but it’s a little confusing at first.
Since the Sun never actually sets, but rises somewhere else, how else might you choose to end the story to address this?

What suggestions do you have/what does this piece connect to?

While I love the ending, I think that you should clarify that Sun and Moon are truly always on duty, since they rise in one part of the world while they set in the other.
Where they meet is a little vague, but this might be how you want it. If not, you could give some more context on this.

Kit Orologio – Again, and Again

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a girl named Argyle who has pet ants and loves them, but her ants escape their enclosure in her room. These ants are the only constant in her life since her parents’ divorce. Her mother accepts her and loves her, but her father still sees her as his “confused son.” But the ants give her comfort and consistency. However, after one bites her in her desperate attempt to get them back into their enclosure, she decides the only thing she can do is kill them. So she does, but finds herself feeling a sense of freedom and relief after doing it.

What do you like about it?

I like how we don’t as readers find out why the ants are so important in her life until later in the story.
I also like how the ending takes the story beyond the scope of the ants themselves and turns the story into a more coming-of-age theme – Learning to let the ants go and that she can find comfort within herself.

What questions does it raise?

How old is Argyle now?
- This is just to give context as to how long she has liked the ants. I think that we get an idea from her flashback to grade school about the ant hill when she was still referred to as, “Aiden,” but I think it might be helpful to have a better idea, unless this is intentional, of course!

What suggestions do you have/what does this piece connect to?

The ending moves a little quickly on the last page. I think that you could add more here to reflect the true significance of moving on from the ants for Argyle. She moves on from them pretty quickly after she kills them and I feel like there’s still some room for more reflection.

Izzy Castrucci – Short Story 1

What is it/what is it about?

This story takes place in New York City, and is a first-person narration of a painter. While he is painting, a woman catches his eye. She seems to be frantic, lonely, and scared. Enthralled by her beauty, the painter tries to capture every feature before she moves out of frame. Once she disappears, he is then greeted by a little girl who is lost. He watches over the child, looking for her parents and not wanting to call the police. To his surprise, the woman in the green sweater that he was initially admiring is the mother of the girl who is lost. Thus, there is a happy ending, although somewhat bittersweet.

What do you like about it?

I like how the green sweater is mentioned multiple times throughout the piece, starting on page on, then repeated on page three, and ending with it being the title of the painting. You were able to create the painting through the words of the story, which was really cool.
I also like how you mention that it seems as though the woman has not been told she is beautiful enough (2), and then parallel that thought when the little girl comes into play, “Someone must really want her to feel beautiful” (5). I think this was a great move.

What questions does it raise?

Is our main character falling in love with the woman?
If our main character is so magnetized by her beauty, wouldn’t he feel more emotions in the end? He is happy the girl is with her mother, but wouldn’t there also be a feeling of missing her?
- There is closure with the girl, but I don’t think he’s gotten closure with the woman. I think she might have a more lasting effect.

What suggestions do you have/what does this piece connect to?

You could make the ending more bittersweet, as I think that would reflect the main character’s emotions more realistically.
In your first description of the green sweater on the first page, I think you might want to add some more context as to why this would make the woman stand out, since it ends up becoming so significant in the rest of the piece.
- Just like the pink balloon was important for the girl, I think there’s an opportunity to emphasize this more.
The dialogue on page 3-4 might be shortened, since he’s looking for the woman this whole time. I feel like you could make it more concise.

Cole Hauser – Short Story #1

What is it/what is it about?

This story takes place in a town that was built in the crater left behind by an asteroid. The main character is pretty short on luck, with his fathers theories about the woods containing monsters driving his mother away and his father eventually dying from driving drunk, with the same day his brother dying by drowning. His dog, Johnny (named after his deceased brother) runs into the woods one day. After chasing him, he discovers the dark reality of what is in the woods and eventually becomes a victim himself.

What do you like about it?

I really like how you force the main character into the woods by having him chase his beloved dog. You establish the importance of their relationship prior to this, which sets up a perfect opportunity to build tension in the woods.
- I also like the internal battle the main character faces between fleeing and finding the dog. It keeps the reader (me) super invested in the story.
I also like the timing of your paragraph breaks. The end of each paragraph makes sure you want to read the next one.
I love the line, “I had the head-start but it didn’t matter, the woods itself was against me” (8).
THE ENDING – It’s so off-putting and I think wraps up the piece perfectly.
Your descriptions are so good that it grosses me out, which is your goal, so well done!

What questions does it raise?

Are there surrounding towns and cities? If so, why did these people decide to build a town in a crater? Was it them that actually built it, or the creatures?
Was his mother a victim or did she actually flee because of the ‘conspiracies?’

What suggestions do you have/what does this piece connect to?

Maybe you could emphasize the part where he saw familiar faces, including his brother and dad. I feel like that might have more weight.
In the introduction, the miracles of the two-headed cows and those things don’t really come into play, so maybe you could change it out with something like people go missing, or people act differently. It could make the initial feel of the story as off-putting as it is.

Cammy Justic – Short story start-2

What is it/what is it about?

The story mainly takes place deep in the Maine woods. A married couple of five years, Jen and Ryan are struggling with their marriage. This struggle is a result of Jen distancing herself from Ryan ever since her miscarriage two years prior, when she developed severe postpartum. Their therapist recommends a camping trip. They take the advice, and end up two hours deep into the main woods. Everything goes well the first night, until the next day they find a rotting hand in the river while fishing. From there, things progressively get worse, until it ultimately ends up with a bad ending for Jen.

What do you like about it?

I like the tension you build through them hiking deep into the woods paired with the tension of the deteriorating married couple.
I like how you mention the fox several times, it makes the reader pay attention to what its significance may be in the future and make predictions.
I really like the scene when they’re building the fireplace because it seems symbolic of their relationship, with Jen eventually giving up like she does when she storms out of the woods. Especially the part when she says, “…while Ryan tries to rekindle the flames” (P.3), which is what he is determined to do with the relationship.

What questions does it raise?

I like the line, “Except it’s not a fish. It’s a flesh rotting human hand” (P.5), but is there a reason you waited until P.5 for this to happen?
I know it makes the story interesting, but I don’t think that it would be in character to walk in the woods by herself no matter how upset she was. Given the worry she expressed earlier on, I don’t think she would’ve ventured in the woods by herself.
Would Jen think it’s a wolf if it’s 6 ½ feet tall? (P.6)
What is the significance of the fox? We see it a few times and then it’s not clear what its significance is.

What suggestions do you have/what does this piece connect to?

When Ryan and Jen get into an argument, instead of Jen leaving, this could be an opportunity for Ryan and Jen to start working together. This doesn’t mean that both of them have to have a happy ending, but I think that whatever bad happens would be even more off-putting to the reader if first the married couple starts to get along.
I think the ending is a little rushed – The role of the baby crying is confusing since it’s vague. I kind of have the idea that Ryan hears the baby due to something having to do with Jen’s miscarriage, but it still doesn’t add up completely enough. Clarifying this and spending more time on the most suspenseful scene – Jen facing the wolves and Ryan hearing the screams – could make the ending even more powerful.

Scott Clemons-Baker – Short Story (#1)

What is it/what is it about?

This is a story loss, reminiscence, and a struggle to remain present when your internal reality remains reflective of the past.
The main character of this story, Sebastian, moves through a typical day, but the tone indicates that the day is not as normal as others may have been. As Sebastian goes about his normal daily activities, he analyzes every detail of the human experience of others, interpreting their body language and conversations. When a mother and child remind him of what he has lost (his girlfriend who has taught him to be so reflective) we learn why Sebastian actively struggles to remain in the present normally and fully throughout the story.

What do you like about it?

I like how you immerse the reader in the mundane and make us pay attention to the little details. It captures a perspective that some readers may deeply relate to, while also making those who don’t take a second look at the subtle things they may typically miss.

What questions does it raise?

I may have missed this, but where is the story set? Do you want this to be defined? I know it is a city, and if that’s where you want to leave it that makes sense – If you have an idea of where you built this story to take place, though, I think you could describe it.
The story starts to pick up on P.3, and then really starts to gain speed at P.5 – Is this purposeful/Do you want the readers to be left wondering for the time spent in these pages?

What suggestions do you have?

I think you could even go into more detail about the girlfriend (Marley?) in the body of the story, like with a flashback or something, so that we know her more before we learn that she is gone.
In relation to my comment above, I also think that you could make the experience with the mother and child in the coffee shop more emotional for Sebastian when it triggered his memory of his girlfriend. We know it caused him to have that flashback, but what was the weight of this flashback? Was he numb afterward, or overwhelmed with emotion (or both… or neither)

Alexa Livingston – Story 1 Livingston

What is it/what is it about?

This story captures many things. It speaks to love, and the deep connection accompanied by love. Really, between two souls. It is about deep reminiscence of the past when the future is bleak. And it is about grief – the experience of the one who will continue to grieve after the other is released from the grips of their illness.

What do you like about it?

I love the consistent dialogue between the two characters. It allows the reader to not only read about their connection, but to, in some capacity, feel it too. I was EMOTIONAL.
I also love how the story opens with our narrator describing the scenes of the bar, and picking out the two individuals who seemed to have the same connection that he and his wife felt when they first rekindled their flame.
Your descriptions of the emotions that are felt throughout the story through metaphors and descriptive imagery were amazing and I was able to construct the images and feelings in my mind well because of them.

What questions does it raise?

This is pretty unimportant, but how old are our characters now? How long have they been married?
Would it serve the story to talk about more flashbacks of them? Maybe more about the mundane things like her favorite tea, etc. I know you have a lot of reminiscent thoughts that our narrator goes through, but this was the only question I could actually come up with! I loved the story (even though it made me tear up)

What suggestions do you have?

Maybe include more details about Grace, especially in parallel to the girl in the dark red flannel that our narrator observed in the bar in the introductory pages of your story. Was she as withdrawn? You mentioned that London made her seem more caged. What about her illness? What’s the difference now – Did her personality still shine through. Building off of that, maybe the new cage was her illness. Just a couple ideas!

Short Story #2

Alex Kiehnau – Of Slugs and Dragons

What is it/what is it about?

This is a story about a mother who has severe depression and has been avoiding getting help for it, which is taking a toll on her husband, who cares deeply for her. The mother, Lou, is also insecure about her ability to be a good mother to her children due to her depression.
Throughout the story, her experiences of her struggle with depression is paralleled with a really cool description of her children’s imagination coming to life, one in which they fight a dragon. In the end, she defeats the dragon by turning it into something harmless, a slug, which I believe is meant to symbolize her ability to overcome her depression so long as she does not become it (like when she became the dragon)

What do you like about it?

I like how we already know what’s going on with Lou by the second paragraph.
Looking back, I love how you said that “the dragon blinks out of existence” (2) when she saw that her children were safe. Her love for her children outweighs her demons.
I love the first long paragraph on P.4. A really accurate description of the experience of anxiety.
I love how you describe the expressions of emotion through the eyes and facial expressions and body language. It felt like I was there on P.7.
I like how, in the ending, you first have her turn into the dragon, realize her mistake, and then turn the dragon into a slug like the initial description in your first paragraph.

What questions does it raise?

I was confused at the ending – So, none of this actually happened? I think that some indication of a passage of time, or passage from thought to reality, would help this be a little less confusing.
Did her depression start before she had children? Did it get worse after? I think some backstory would be helpful here.
What role do her children play in her motivation to seek help and recover, besides motivation? I ask because they so bravely fought off the dragon, but could not do it alone.

What suggestions do you have?

I was a little confused at the transition between her watching her children climb up the mountain and the scene in the bathroom. Maybe some asterisk?
- This remained true throughout the battle. I like how you’re paralleling the battles that Lou and Nick have fought together, but I think there may be a more effective way to transition from memory to the battle with the dragon (6).
I think there’s an opportunity to work with the slug metaphor more. In the beginning, she felt like a slug. In the end, she turned the dragon into a slug. I think there could be a more clear connection there. We can infer it now, but it still feels a little vague.

Teresa Baker – Short Story #2 (Draft)

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a woman who hit an old man in her car during a rainstorm on a backroad. Since she did not want to get in trouble with law enforcement, she decided to bury him… alive. In shock, she went home to her mother, who did not love her like her late father did, and her mom only scolded her for being late. In the end, the police investigate her and warn her of the murderer who may be on the loose, but that was her.
It is a story of dealing with the shock of trauma, of the survival mechanisms involved during a traumatic situation, and the reminiscence of one’s own unthinkable actions.

What do you like about it?

I love officer warns her of a murderer on the loose wihout having any idea that he just called her a murderer. I felt the impact of those words on her, and it feels like her first moment of true reflection. Paired with his phone ringing, it really gives a weight to the ending that is felt more strongly than the rest of the story.

What questions does it raise?

How did her mother not notice her blood stained clothes? (6).
Good ending! Do you plan on taking it further than this or leaving it here?

What suggestions do you have?

P.1 – I think you could italicize “Oh, right, maybe I should go check up on him to make sure he isn’t dead,” to emphasize that it’s a thought.
It’s difficult to read on after the scene where she buried him alive (3). My first path was What?? Only a sociopath would do that! What just happened? On page 5, I still had trouble focusing on the events that were occurring presently because I was still stuck on how quickly we moved on from that scene.

Mia Morgan – Simmer

What is it/what is it about?

To me, this story was one that told the experience of being star-struck, obsessed in love. Trevor has fallen head over heels for Jack, in a way that one might fall for some fictional character in a show or a book, or for an unreachable celebrity. But it is also a story of meeting your heroes… Which we are advised to never do, because we will be disappointed. We tend to romanticize them to an unrealistic level, and once we meet them, we realize that their appreciation for us is not reciprocated, or cannot be – Which is what happened in Trevors case in the ending of this story.

What do you like about it?

I like how the descriptions of the food parallel his physiological feelings and emotions.
- Love the line, “I enjoyed the racket of the busy kitchen … It was a symphony that I never got sick of hearing (4).
My favorite line: “His name felt foreign in my mouth, but I welcomed it wholly, a taste I desired and could learn to savor” (8).
There is such an emptiness to the ending that is heavily felt by the reader – We’ve all been there, and it hurts like hell.

What questions does it raise?

I was confused on P.11 about when Trevor realized what was going on with his interaction with Jack – What WAS going on? I missed what was being implied here.
Did they meet outside, or inside? How is it secret? I had a hard time visualizing this part.

What suggestions do you have?

There is a lot of obsessing over Jack in pages 1-5, and then we finally see a conflict with this obsession when Trevor mentions Jack’s flirty behaviors with everyone on P.7. I wonder if some of those first 5 pages could be cut down and leave more room for when that conflict starts on 7, which feels like where the weight of the story lies. Just an idea!

Jordyn Ransom – Story #2

What is it/what is it about?

This story is very much a coming of age story, by the end of it. Throughout it, though, I think it also unveils the importance of a compassionate person and the impact that one person can have on our point of view, even if we didn’t necessarily expect it (especially going home with a random boy who brought you into his home from a snow storm … others said they didn’t get this but i definitely understand the craft and utility of it – More backstory would help with that, even if it’s just dialogue)

What do you like about it?

Love this, it really captures the intent of the story I think (4):

“But here with Jasper, sitting in his living room with the snow falling outside his window, it almost felt like a different world. I felt like I could tell him anything I wanted and it wouldn’t impact my real life in any way. Here he was, asking about my life and for once, I wanted to let someone in on it”

I also love how the dialogue feels so real. You do a really good job with that in both stories I’ve read so far. I’ve definitely had a very similar conversation to this… Like hey just making sure you’re not going to like kill me or anything… Normal thoughts for a woman to have in reality.

What questions does it raise?

The phone call is really interesting. Why is Jasper so kind to her? First genuine person in her life? Fate?
I want to know more about Jasper. Why is life so different from most peoples (9). What’s going on with him?
- Also, why is he so nice to her?

What suggestions do you have?

I feel like right now Jasper is serving as more of a tool rather than as a real character, and I’d like to know more about him.
I think more backstory on why she decided to go to his house would make it more believable. Like I said in the beginning, even just a little more dialogue at the initial scene.

Kenzi Kimball – Girlfriends

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about love and loss. It is a story about the interesting experience of college, where everything is fluid yet every change feels so detrimental. It’s about being stuck in the environment of a place where your only chance for happiness is to have connections, and what it is like when those are ripped from you. It is also about unspoken love, and not getting to say what you need to before the chance has passed.

What do you like about it?

I stared at “I don’t think I can go here anymore” (4) for a few seconds after I read it. Given the previous descriptions Jay had of June, I could feel the impact of those words. I froze just like I assume Jay is about to.
- I can now confirm after reading it that Jay did in fact freeze just like me. Good job with that.
This is so broad, but I just love how real this is. I *may* have shed a tear or two (which is not something I do when I read typically, it takes a lot), and I’m literally a commuter… so I’ve never had this experience. I love when writers can get me so attached to the characters and their own lives, it’s something I’m working hard on in my own writing. I loved that you were able to do this.

What questions does it raise?

Jay is definitely in love with June. But is June in love with Jay?
Why did June wait so long? Maybe we could get some more background about her situation. You mention her terrible past… Why is it so terrible, and how does it affect her presently?

What suggestions do you have?

I want to know more about what happens after June leaves Jay. Maybe just the experience of Winter break.
I feel like Jay should at least be a little angry at June. Something that really hurts, and I feel like she should feel the weight of that moment a little longer than she does. That initial moment feels a little rushed.

Sophie Pidgeon – Be More Like Pistachios

What is it/what is it about?

This is a story ultimately about unhealed childhood trauma and the loss and grief that accompanies that trauma. Specifically, this is about a 15 year old girl named Adelaide who watched her friend, Heather, get hit and killed while they were biking together five years ago. Adelaide is afraid to face Heather’s parents because she thinks it will resurface their trauma, however, when she does finally see them, it is a very relieving moment of closure for her.

What do you like about it?

I loved your description of her memories with Heather. I think that you did a really good job at describing the scene where Heather gets hit by the car. We do not get all of the details, but what we really get is what fragmented memories that Adelaide has of that moment. It is symbolistic of how our trauma usually allows us to look back on key moments, but how our mind also attempts to shield and protect us from all the painful details.

What questions does it raise?

Why is Adelaide’s mom so harsh to her? What happened to her?
How long did Adelaide and Heather know each other because Heather died?

What suggestions do you have?

I think that a more realistic timeframe for this party to occur would be about 2 to 3 years after Heather’s death. That way, Adelaide will be telling this story from the sensitive age of 12 or 13. You might describe her struggles at school, and more of the aftermath of how her life was after Heather. This could add more emotional charge to the story.

Skyler Garcia – Second Intention

What is it/what is it about?

This is a story set in England about two fencing partners who have a distinct animosity towards each other. However we soon found out that underneath their hatred for each other, there is also some curiosity about each other. They both like each other to some extent, but will not admit it to each other, let alone themselves. In the end, they both find an unlikely friendship in each other. Maybe even the commonality of hatred towards each other can be enough to build a friendship.

What do you like about it?

I love how the thoughts are separated with italics, and I love how these thoughts show the constant battle that Finn is facing internally in contrast to his dialogue with Jonathan externally, which is usually arguments.
I also love how you weave humor throughout the piece, like in the dancing scene when they argued who would leave. I thought that was so funny.

What questions does it raise?

What did Johnathan do in his time abroad? Was he thinking of Finn?
Why did Finn seclude himself from the world?
What was the reason for their dislike towards each other? I feel like we will never figure that out.
Are they friends or more than friends?

What suggestions do you have?

I think that we need more context for Johnathan’s side of things, and for more reasons as to why they hate each other so much. Did something happen, or is it random?
I also think that a decision needs to be made about whether you want Johnathan to study abroad or for Finn to fight the fire. It’s hard to connect the pieces right now but I feel like if there was more of a focused event then it would be easier to follow.

Lizzie B – One More Job

What is it/what is it about?

This is a story about a couple who struggles to make ends meet and resorts to their criminal past to fulfill their financial needs. The couple has a past of robbery, and even went to jail for their crimes. When there is no food in their fridge, they decide to rob a museum. They almost get caught, but get away free. This time.

What do you like about it?

The dialogue between the couple and the guards was really good, it made me like I was there. I didn’t want to stop reading!
I also like the underlying theme of trauma throughout the piece – it is clear that Abby is afraid, but it’s unclear whether it’s because of the incident with the boy they almost killed, or from a fear of going back to jail.
Is Gwen manipulative? Is she just using Abby?

What questions does it raise?

What happens to them after they get away? Do they sell the stolen ruby? Does everything end up well for them, or do they fall back into the cycle of bankruptcy → robbery → false security → bankruptcy.
Does Abby really want this, or is it Gwen that does? Why does Abby give in?

What suggestions do you have?

I think that giving more backstory as to what happened to Abby and Gwen in jail and revealing a key traumatic memory or set of memories could give us more insight as to why Abby is so afraid.
You could also explain why they started committing robberies in the first place. Were they always financially unstable and desperate, or did they always just chase the thrill? How did jail change these dynamics for Abby and Gwen differently?

Brady Spring – Roadtrip

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about two girls, Brooke and Sammy, who escape their home city to run away to New York City. They succeed, and when they arrive at the hotel, they start their journey to being who they want to be, not what their parents want them to be.

What do you like about it?

I really liked when you described this plan as phase one of “The Death of Brook Chryses and Sammy Astor (P.2). It makes me want to keep reading and see why they needed to plot such an extreme plan of escape.
I also like the moment of reflection that Brooke has on P.4: “The adrenaline having left her body … she began to reflect on everything that had led up to her and Sammy running away.

What questions does it raise?

I may have missed this, but where are they running from? I know you mention that they lived in a city (P.3), but which one?
Where do you plan on taking the story after the ending?
What did their parents do to them to make them want to leave so bad? What brought them to this point?

What suggestions do you have?

I feel like the biggest moment of the whole story takes place mostly on P.1 and a little bit of P.2. I think that if you built up the tension to the moment that Brooke got onto the boat and then spent a little less time on the drive and more on the outcome in New York once the adrenaline wears off, then it would hold the audience better for the length of the short story.

Jenna Sabia – Short Story 2

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a girl named Bree who chose to attend a small college four hours away from home. She finds herself feeling overwhelmingly lonely, and has convinced herself that she would transfer by the end of the semester. While writing in the journal that has served as her comfort in loneliness, a boy named Harrison quite literally stumbled into her life, and changed her mind about leaving the college within 5 days of meeting him. She made tons of friends and finally felt a sense of home.

What do you like about it?

I love your opening line, we can all relate to it, whether in the past or presently.
I also love how you capture the feeling of meeting a friend that you just click with so well for some reason, like you’ve known each other forever or were just destined to be friends. That experience paired with having someone open new doors for you and change your whole experience – through dialogue and through thought, you captured all of that really well.
I love the line, “Speak sarcasm way too fluently” (P.5). That’s pretty much how most of my friends became so close!
I really like how the italics represent her journal entries, and I think you used them in the right places.
The ending! The way it was formatted really captured the impact of the realization.

What questions does it raise?

Are they just friends, or is this going to lead to something more?
I don’t know why, but I’m curious why she picked that school and what her major is.
I know she likes keeping to herself at home, so why does she long for the big parties and football games? (P.1).

What suggestions do you have?

I was a little confused when Carmen came into the picture because I had fully convinced myself that this was going to be a love story. I was almost a little disappointed when she was introduced. Is this story meant to tell the making of a friendship, or the kindling of a flame? I think there should be more clarification here.

Izzy Catrucci – Closure

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a woman, Mel, who lost her life partner, Liam, to suicide. It is a story about the process of grief and coming to terms with reality. It is also a story of love and the meaning that it gives to life. It is about facing tough memories and overcoming them, recognizing the source of the pain and addressing it directly. As the title accurately describes, this story is ultimately about closure.

What do you like about it?

The beginning three paragraphs are SO powerful. Especially the line when she says, “As I reach for the door knob with the keys clinking together as my hands shake trying to open the door…” (P.1). I could feel that in my gut.
I loved when you said, “he thought he wasn’t good enough for me, but the truth is he is everything I needed” (P.3). That was really powerful.
“No more I love yous, no more movie nights, no more laughter, and no more Liam” (4).
The tooth fairy idea (5) built the tension up very well leading up to her finding the letter (6).
I love the realness of their final memory (P.8). It is very relatable, and similar to my own experiences and I’m sure others.
Your descriptions are really powerful. I felt the same tension in my heart and stomach while reading this. You captured Mel’s experience really well.

What questions does it raise?

Did Liam okay before this all happened? Was it sudden?
Did Liam make the decision because of his battle with addiction? Or was it because he didn’t feel like he was enough for Mel? Wouldn’t this have hurt her more than it seemed to?

What suggestions do you have?

I was just hoping for a little more closure in the letter he left for her. He basically said that he made the decision because he was tired of fighting his addiction and of not feeling worthy enough for Mel. This probably would have really hurt Mel, and would have been extremely difficult to move on from the way that she did after. That is a heavy burden to bear, so I was hoping for a more distinct reason rather than it being up in the air and having to guess what pushed him over the edge. I know he wanted peace, but what pushed him to this point now? Was there anything in particular, or was he hiding it all along?

Bridget McIntyre – Short Story 2

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a husband and a wife, Billy and Violet, who met when they were young and have been together for 73 years, since Billy was 20. Violet develops Alzheimer’s in her old age, and this is a story of Billy watching her slowly lose the memory of him and her, and desperately trying to make sure she remembers. It is a story about a slow, painful loss, with the magnitude of a death without the actual death – The pain of the love of one’s life forgetting the love they spent years living together.

What do you like about it?

Your description of Violet’s Alzheimer’s on P.5 is really moving – I especially love these lines:

“To be human is to be made of memories. It is a gram reality when those memories start to blur together … and eventually slip away … Without memories, are we not just lost souls … I think about the past a lot now and how lucky I am to remember these last 73 years with my darling Violet” (P.5).

“I just didn’t want to admit to myself…” (P.7) is a really emotional, well-written line.

What questions does it raise?

Isn’t it a little soon to have her invite him into her house right after meeting him? (P.5). This part feels a little realistic – I think they would need more dates in between before this. Their backstory feels a little rushed, and this could be an opportunity to extend it a little bit more.
How does their story end? I feel like there could be more closure to this story than there is, unless your intention is to leave it open to the reader.
73 years is a long life, which is fortunate, but unlikely – Would shortening the amount of years contribute to the believability of your story?

What suggestions do you have?

The transition in time (P1) confused me a little. I think that if you gave a little more background on the main character before jumping back it would be helpful to the reader.
I think that there’s an opportunity to also work this background in when you say “but, my wife, well, she was never like anyone else” (P.8). How was she not like anyone else? What set her apart? When did Billy find that out?

Alexa Livingston – Short Story #2

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a woman, Molly, who is a writer with a difficult past, filled with the pain of facing the reality of death by both being forced to face it and also inviting the idea of it into her daily life. It seems like she struggles with ideation, but doesn’t acknowledge it as such. When she comes face to face with a girl who struggles with the thoughts that used to once haunt her more forcefully, Molly feels compelled to save her. In the end, her grace to save the girl ends up in the death of both of them. The story follows a theme of tragedy throughout.

What do you like about it?

I like how we get the unfiltered thoughts of Molly. I love how the story is just a progression of what feels like the constant flow of her thoughts.
I also like how lyrical these thoughts are – It feels very close to poetry.
The line, “Nothing about her anger scares me. Anger and I have spent much time together” (P.5).
The last line sat with me for a long time.

What questions does it raise?

Did Molly’s ex take his own life? (P.1).
Did Molly also attempt to take her life at one point? “She doesn’t understand how lucky she is to have someone here. No one was there for me” (P.5).

What suggestions do you have?

I think that it could be helpful to give a little more background about Molly’s story and about her ex-relationship. This could help give the reader context to the added weight that Molly feels during her interaction with the girl on the bridge.

Cole Hauser – Frames

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a 27 year old named Jamie who has been diagnosed with cancer and who does not have much time left to live. She has kept this from her best friend, Will, who crumbles at the news. She wants to make a movie, and he’s an aspiring filmmaker. The two met in a movie theater, and after she passes, their story comes full circle with Will watching the movie he made about their story alone, without Jamie there. It’s a story about love, loss, hopelessness, with tones of deep loneliness coming through, especially with Will in the movie theater in the end.

What do you like about it?

I like the strong, emotional opening (P.1).
I really like the contrast of Will’s dialogue with Jamie’s dialogue on P.5 and P.6 through Jamie’s dialogue being italicized since she is still a stranger to Will.
- Or does it signify her speaking in the past, because her voice is only a memory now?

What questions does it raise?

How did they “walk for hours” (P.6). This took me out of the story a little bit because I didn’t believe they would spend hours walking. How many hours? To where?
I’m a little confused by the ending. What is this blast? Is this a metaphor of her death in the movie portrayal?
Are they in love? Why didn’t Will confess this sooner? Is the love platonic?

What suggestions do you have?

I think that the ending could be clarified a bit more with a little more description. If it’s a metaphor about her death, then maybe that could be brought up throughout the story building up to the ending so we know what’s going on when it shows up on screen in the end.
I also think that you could clarify what exactly Jamie and Will were to each other. Were they in love, or were they friends? Did friendship develop into feelings? Or is this just a story about a deep platonic love. Either way would be great, but I think clarifying it could be helpful for your story.

Teresa Baker – Story #2

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about two people, Jennifer and Jay, falling in love at age 25. The writer takes us through the beginning of their story from the point of view of Jay, a man who has previously been afraid of commitment, but is willing to commit to Jennifer.

What do you like about it?

I like your repetition of blue eyes throughout Jay and Jennifer’s first interaction with one another.
I like how they meet again in the coffee shop the next day, an underlying theme of fate comes through in that moment.

What questions does it raise?

If Jennifer liked him, why didn’t she want Jay’s number before she left? (P.3)
Is there any one big event that the reader is supposed to focus on? It is a nice love story, but it would be interesting if there was more explanation of the struggles that Jay faces as he learns to love someone after only engaging in casual affairs.
They only kissed a second time after being together for a month and a half? (P. 12)
What else does Jay love about Jennifer, besides her eyes? What about her personality? Anything else that causes him to be so drawn to her?

What suggestions do you have?

The first paragraph of the story might be replaced by some version of the second paragraph, since the second paragraph might hook the reader in better.
I feel like there might be too much going on for the real estate of a short story – You may be able to pinpoint a more focused moment in order to capture the full details and significance of that moment for one of the characters, like Jay. The experience of falling in love and learning to be vulnerable with someone else after guarding your heart is not an easy one – Maybe you could focus on that idea a bit more.

Scott Clemons-Baker – Unfamiliar Endings

What is it/what is it about?

This story is about a man, Boston, and a woman, Summer, who are on the run after being involved in a car chase in San Francisco. These two are seasoned criminals, being on the run for years for reasons unknown, but it can be inferred that Boston may do it partly because of his muddled past with his father, who he is forced to face when he has no other place to go. The two make amends in the end. This story is largely about trauma and coping in the replacement of healing.

What do you like about it?

I love the first few lines – they really pull you in, while also giving you a clear picture of the context in which the story will take place. I also like the integration of humor with the blinker argument – it gives us a good idea of what type of people Summer and Boston are, and how they’re different. Summer seems to live up to her name right away.
The dialogue throughout the story is very captivating.
I like the additional layer of conflict that comes up with Boston’s father (P.6). I don’t think it’s too much for a short story, it works well.

What questions does it raise?

By page 3, I’m really curious as to why they’ve been on the run for years. Should the reader know this by now, or is there intent in withholding this information?
Why is Boston still so angry at his father? (P.6 and 7). Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it does usually soften them. How much time has passed since his father left?
Do you plan on extending the story beyond this, or is this how it is supposed to end? We got resolved with Boston’s father, but not with the impending doom of the authorities after Boston and Summer.
This is a tiny thing, but after they left the gas station after almost getting caught and not being able to get gas, how did they have enough gas to make it to Boston’s dads house?

What suggestions do you have?

I think that you could go into more detail and make it more clear about why Boston and Summer have been on the run for years. Why were they being chased down in San Francisco? Did they steal something? It takes the reader out of the story a little bit when they’re asking these questions but don’t get answers.
Although the issue with Boston’s dad is resolved in the end, we don’t get any resolution for the problems that the duo of Boston and Summer are facing. Since Summer is so significant in most of the pieces, I feel like we need to find out what happens to them – Whether they get caught or found out. This will be important for you to consider as you remember the real estate that you have for a short story and what you want to do with the rest.