The first draft of Essay 1 was very incomplete and was missing a final paragraph and conclusion. In order to fulfill these gaps in the essay, I added a third body paragraph and made it counterclaim, and added a conclusion paragraph as well. I didn’t add many quotations in the final draft, except for ones to support my argument against a possible counterclaim in the third body paragraph. The first draft was also full of choppy sentences, which I ended up cutting down and polishing in order to create better sentence flow and more quotation sandwiches. An example of word-smithing sentence structure is one of the questions I introduced to the audience in the first body paragraph. Initially, I wrote: “But why does Newstok favor the Renaissance way of thinking? In other words, how does Shakespeare’s way of thinking compare to the mindset encouraged today?”. This was an unnecessary amount of words, so, in my final draft I instead wrote: “So, why does Newstok favor Shakespeare’s skillset – that of a Renaissance thinker – and which of these skills does a typical high school student lack today?” This was a much more clear question. I did a lot of this type of polishing in my revision, along with the addition of the final body paragraph and conclusion, which helped to further support my argument.
In my final draft, I used many signal phrases and favored embedded quotes. Examples of this can be found throughout mostly the first and second body paragraphs of the essay. One of these examples can be found in the first body paragraph, which focuses on Newstok’s argument: “One of these vital skills is critical thinking, or, as Newstok suggests: “‘negative capability’: … ‘capable of uncertainties. Mysteries, doubts.’” (Newstok 5).” This quotation was utilized by Newstok to initially describe “Shakespeare’s disposition.” I, instead, used it to describe one of the key skills that high school students lack today due to the system of learning in place. Note that I also signaled that Newstok referred to this in his address, in order to enhance the effect of it being a part of his message. I also used ellipses in this sentence, between “negative capability” and its definition. This is because the words in-between this sentence were utilized by Newstok to enhance his argument in favor of Shakespeare’s skill sets, while I wanted to use this quote to enhance what students were lacking due to the modern education system focused on high-stakes testing. Although I did set some quotes off with colons and summarized ideas of Newstok and Sullivan, most of my quotations were embedded into my sentences. I tend to do this in order to leave room for explanation. As for representing my own position in the essay, I introduce my ideas at the end of the introduction (my claim), the end of body paragraph one, the beginning and end of paragraph two, and throughout the conclusion. Therefore, I sprinkle my position throughout the essay without overbearing it with solely opinionation.
My peers provided several helpful “big picture” comments, but there is one that they both agreed on that stuck out to me. They commented on the sentence: “This fixation on testing refers to the high-stakes tests that high school students are trained to perform well on, and that it could make or break getting into college,” suggesting that I explain what “it” is, and that the “it” may not even be necessary. They also commented on my use of run-ons throughout the essay. When I went back to look over the comments, I realized that I not only had choppy sentences like this throughout the essay, but they also tended to be pointless run-ons. So, during my first read-over of the essay, I decided to go through and make the sentences more polished, less choppy, and fewer words. When I came back to this sentence, it eventually turned much better than the initial stew of words: “This fixation refers to the high-stakes tests that high school students are trained to perform well on so they can report a good score on college applications.” Not only does this explain the quote prior to it better, it also sets up the next sentence much more gracefully. An example of a comment I made on a peers paper that is more “big picture” is when I suggested that they did not “necessarily need … [a] comma” in a certain placement of the sentence. This person tended to utilize commas in places that weren’t necessary. I hoped in writing that comment they would recognize that since that particular sentence flowed better without the comma, future sentences similar to it would also benefit from the deletion.
